Hi all!
I know two posts in one day! Claire, what is this? I guess since I have not written in a while I have a lot I want to throw out there to the universe. This post will be both sad and happy so get out those tissues and play that happy song you love listening to. Personally for me right now it is Sweater Weather by the Neighbourhood.
So I have previously posted on mortality and death in general but this post is a combination of that and the reason for friends. Recently my grandfather passed away, who was an amazing man and patriarch of that side of the family. He is greatly missed by my family with my grandmother in particular, of course. Death seems to bring out the good and bad in people. We see or sometimes do not see an ending to someone's life. What I mean by that is that my grandfather was always a very strong man and seemed bigger than life. Many of the family members seemed to not realize that he was slowly dying since he had always been full of piss and vinegar. He made it through WWII at the age of 14 after being sent to a Japanese concentration camp in China. He carried his family through good times and bad times and was always there for advice. When he passed many of my family members seemed surprised and shocked that it happened. He had congestive heart failure and honestly it was IF it was WHEN. After he passed we gathered together to mourn for him all in our own ways but it is after, when you grieve, that this is an important time for friends and family.
Also a couple days ago my mother's best friend passed away. She was killed instantly in a head on collision along with one of her son's friends in the back seat. My mother fell to pieces and cried for most of the night while I watched and listened. It was more painful to me to see my mother like that then the news of her friend although I did cry like a baby when I first heard the news. The next day her friends arrived to take care of her. It was seeing her there in her bed sobbing uncontrollably while her friends comforted her that I really understood what friends were for. They are there to help you both in good times and in bad.
You see I very rarely make true friends because I do not like getting close to people. I feel that if I show them what I am really like that they will run to the hills. Also like I have said before I like helping people so I seem to attract people who I give my time and effort to help and when I need the help they are not there. Anyways this is not a sob story just an observation of what happens. Here is what I wrote about friends:
The fragility of life is displayed to us on a daily basis. The continuous cycle of living and dying is part of who we are. Some of man's biggest fears is growing old or aging because that is when people come to the realization of how precious life truly is. What about those that do not age? The children who were taken in the first moments of life, the children who only first began to live, the mother who made time to take care of those children, the father working to ensure his children's lives would be better than his own? These people
are the deaths that make old age seem almost menial. Life is a series of connections. Connections with the people around us, the people at the grocery store, the person who makes your coffee, your best friend, your lover, your son, your daughter, your mother, your brother, your father, your sister; these are the connections that are made everyday and almost like a web we become more entangled in them. We become closer and we share our fragile lives with our connections. The people who wake us up everyday, who make us smile, who make the world a more beautiful place, who we share our secrets with. When one of those connections is lost we loose our footing in that web. We lose part of what holds us together. We realize at whatever age we are at that; that life is fragile and that picking up the pieces of the web is harder than what we had imagined it would be. Trying to mend that beautiful web by yourself is almost impossible and although it hurts to think about losing more connections and also creating new ones who you might lose; those connections are what helps you repair your web. Those connections: your family, your friends, your people: they help you get through the cycle of life. So when you push them away you are hurting yourself and those tiny tendrils that holds your heart together. The grief that is earth-shattering and seems almost like a sickness soothes over time with the help of these people. When your world comes crashing down, and you are at the lowest place imaginable, these people feel that and rush to help you; because in turn their heart is hurting too for you and your grief becomes their grief. They are there to hold you in times of need and laugh in times of happiness. They are there to encourage you to make the right connections and discourage those that would harm you. They are there to embrace you when your sobs rack your body and you hurt from the inside out. These people, these connections, they are part of the cycle of living and dying. Fragile as life may be you are never
alone. Life is truly precious so spend it with the connections that make you, you. The connections worth living and dying for. The people who make old age seem like an adventure and who gives life meaning. Life not lived to its fullest potential is the most fragile life of all.
These seemingly fragile connections are really what keeps us going. Think of your heart suspended in a web of these connections. If one breaks although devastating there are other connections to keep you going and to help mend that broken connection. One of my friend's when his mother died told me that he wanted to keep people at bay because he was afraid of people dying and it hurting so much. He started to self-sabotage some of the relationships he once held so dear. He stopped talking to people that mattered to him and grew distant from those he loved. He grew so fearful that these connections as they were lost would hurt and destroy his heart more and more. In doing this he actually hurt those connections that loved and cared for him. He made them fear that they had slighted him in some way. He feared that which he could not prevent and tried to prevent that from ever happening again.
So growing distant from people does not help anyone. Self- harm whether physical or emotional does not hurt just you but those connections that are close to you. Emotional suicide is just as selfish as physical suicide is. The purpose of friendship of these connections is to HELP you and to be there for you and for you to be there for others. Friendship to a two-way street and we as humans crave friendship.
Heavy stuff I know and I apologize but these are things relevant to everyday life. If you ever need anything or have any questions remember you can always email me! The one below is the best email to reach me at:
cassmarie20@gmail.com
More to come later.
Remember: Life not lived to its fullest potential is the most fragile life of all.
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